darkholme

death in the family

About 12 hours ago, my grand-aunt passed away. She was my mum's aunt. For those who know Ian, my second-cousin (my mum's cousin's son), she was his grandmother. I mention this fact because Ian is a family member that I used to hang out with as a friend.

I don't really know what to feel. How to feel. To be absolutely honest, I don't think that I will feel much, since we were never really close. It does feel quite strange, because I visited her with my mum and sis at the hospice yesterday around noon. I guess in a way I'm glad that I did get to see her before she passed away.

I remember her as the person who used to make achar-achar (translation: pickles) for my mum. She was quite active in Nativity Church in Hougang and used to make the achar-achar for
sale at the annual food and fun fair. It was so popular that she made it in huge batches and always got my family and other people to donate all the bottles that we could get, to store the pickles. My mum would 'order' and buy quite a number of bottles from her for our own consumption and for friends and family.

The achar thing might be trivial fact, but it holds a deep significance for me. This is because my maternal grandmother also used to make this achar, until she got sick. She's now in a wheelchair and very different from the happy, bubbly grandmother that I used to know. My grand aunt looked so different yesterday as well. Cancer. It really was, as they always say, as if she was a shell of her old self, just skin and bones.

My mum said that it was good in a way, that she didn't have to suffer much. I remember a few months back, we went to visit her in the hospital, when she was first diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer was in the late stages already at that time, so it was really just a matter of time. The pain was only for a short time in the end.

It makes me feel weird to talk about death. I remember my sis telling me about my bro-in-law's extended family. When my bro-in-law's grandfather passed away, they went to the US to attend the funeral. The interesting observation that my sis made was that the american born cousins were quite unsure of what to do, or how to react at the funeral, whereas, for her and my bro-in-law, the rituals of death are pretty common in Singapore.

Many Singaporeans around my age have been to wakes or funerals before, so we're more "used-to" death, if you can call it that. I'm just thinking back, I've been to both my grandfathers' funerals. My friend's uncle's funeral in Sydney. I've also been to wakes of my army colleagues's parents. At each experience, there's a sense of putting up a brave face, and almost disassociation during the wake. What DO you say to someone who has lost a loved one?

I'm probably going to attend the wake sometime this week. What will I say? Rest in peace, grand-aunt.

posted by kelvin @ 11:44 pm